Episode 046 - Boundaries: Get Some!

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On this episode of Sh!t We Don’t Talk About, Mia is joined by frequent guest (and her podcast producer) Drew Linsalata. Mia and Drew talk about boundaries and how sometimes it’s hard to set them, but even harder to keep them!

The Highlights

Setting boundaries around the recent resurgence of COVID-19 is clearly a thing. We’re all tired of this. We’re worn down and our patience is now thin when it comes to things like mask-wearing, social distancing, and isolating. It’s easy for us to view someone’s COVID-related boundaries as an affront or an insult. We can accidentally treat those boundaries as something being done TO US. Spoiler alert. They are not being done to us.
We should all take a few moments to acknowledge our frustration and our lack of patience, then remind ourselves that it’s OK to feel frustrated and angry about the pandemic that never ends, but that taking that out on others when they make choices for themselves is not required.
It can be easy to misinterpret COVID boundaries as insults or judgments. In many ways when we set our health boundaries these days we are in some ways evaluating how “COVID trustworthy” a person may or may or not be. This is not ideal in terms of social interactions, but it’s what we have at the moment and we all have to recognize that we’re doing the best we can under unusual circumstances.
We should be mindful about demanding that others explain and justify their boundaries to us. Unless you are interacting in a close, intimate relationship, we would do well to remember that we are not owed explanations or justifications in most cases. Make an effort to stop seeing the boundaries of others as automatically impactful on you.
When we’re interacting with others around the topic of boundaries, sometimes we need to ask, “Am I the asshole?” Sometimes we are. Sometimes we are not. Often just asking the question will remind you that the argument/conflict you’re trying to “win” doesn’t need to be won after all.
We struggle to set our boundaries sometimes. One way to help hold fast on your boundaries is to learn that outside of a small group of close people in our lives, the opinions and responses formed around our boundaries simply do not matter. This may sound difficult but start by flipping that around. Why do you care about the boundaries of others? Do they have to be important to you? When you can let go of your attachment to the choices, boundaries, and decisions of others, it becomes easier to hold the line on your own.

Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.

– Prentis Hemphill

Brene Brown recently pointed out in an interview with Jen White on the A1 how boundaries are critical when examining vulnerability. Without boundaries, vulnerability can quickly become an exercise in excessive habitual oversharing that can lead to being somewhat servile and puts us into the cringy zone. This might sound like a hard concept to come to grips with, but setting healthy boundaries and enforcing them in a kind way can keep the whole vulnerability thing from straying into the toxic zone.
Setting and holding boundaries can be difficult or even painful at times, but it really does come down to intuition and trusting one’s gut. Resisting the pull to continually question and second guess your choices gets easier when you learn to trust your instincts.
When it comes to holding fast on boundaries, there can be a double standard. Men are revered and admired for taking a hard line on the boundaries they set, while women are often seen as controlling, bossy, or even bitchy when they hold the line. Now THAT is more shit we need to talk about. Stay tuned!